Why does this person say that to me?

When Someone’s Words Shake You, the Cleaning That Brings You Back to Yourself

— Why does this person say that to me? —

“What am I even doing in a place like this?”

Have you ever felt that way?

A class reunion, a neighborhood gathering, a child’s school event, a gathering of relatives.

People who are not complete strangers have come together to share something — and yet, somehow, we can feel a sense of alienation there.

Anger that wells up in an unguarded moment. Irritation. Fear. A sense of unease.

At such times, as though I have become lost in the very place where I am,

“What am I doing here?”

— I find myself feeling that way.

Feeling out of place. Feeling that I don’t get along with the others. Feeling as though I am being attacked.

What is truly happening in that moment, I do not really know. But if something within me is reacting there, then that becomes a doorway into cleaning.

As a single mother, I was raising three children.

At school events, parents were sometimes asked to volunteer, and I, too, was approached. But in those days, I had no time to give beyond working to get through each day.

So I politely declined.

Still, when I had to say “I can’t” again and again, it would be a lie to say I felt no discomfort in that environment.

When we feel that kind of discomfort, we tend to want to turn our doubts, resentment, and dissatisfaction toward the school, the other mothers, or our own present circumstances.

But first, I returned to myself.

“What within me is making that person say such a thing?” “What within me is making me experience a situation where I have to say ‘no’?”

I placed my awareness there, and I cleaned.

I do not know the true meaning of what is happening. But if something within me is reacting to that event, then there is something within me that I can clean. So when I notice it, the first thing I want to do is to clean myself.

There was also a time when something like this happened.

As usual, when I told one of the committee members that I couldn’t take part in the volunteer work because of my job, the woman, without any ill intent, said this to me:

“Why don’t you get married?”

She was encouraging me to marry.

I was taken aback. And then, afterward, I grew emotional, thinking, “Why does this person say such a thing to me?”

But even then, once again, I returned to myself.

“Unihipili, so there was a memory like this. Thank you for showing it to me.”

“I don’t know what within me is making that person say such a thing, but let me clean this experience.”

“I don’t know what within me is making me feel this wounded indignation right now, but first, let me clean.”

I clean it not so that the woman will come to understand me. Nor so that I will be able to take part in the volunteer work.

I simply wanted to clean whatever it was within me that kept me from feeling freedom and peace.

I do not know what it affects, or how. But the friction that arises in the midst of living is a chance to clean. A chance to return to who I truly am.

It is not that I went on to marry someone afterward. Nor that I suddenly became able to take part in a great deal of volunteer work.

Even so, through these many opportunities to clean, I was able to be myself, working while raising my children.

What all of this influenced, and how, my conscious mind cannot grasp.

But as a result of cleaning — that I am here now. That I am able to remain on my own path.

For these things, I am grateful from the depths of my heart.